Talking with someone who is dying

Toward the end of my mother's life I spent a lot of time with her, staying overnight with her because she was afraid to be alone. She couldn't talk much but she did ask why it was taking so long. She was not in pain but she was clearly struggling with living every day.

Our conversations became shorter as she declined. She didn't talk very much. I talked about what a good family she had and about how we would carry on as she and the rest of the family did after her mother and father died. I could see a small twinkle in her eye when I said we'd all be stuck in the cold weather while she'd be golfing where the sun was shining.

When she was actively dying we didn't say much of anything. I sat and held her hand when she took her last breath. I had promised her that I would be there when she died if I could and that I would hold her hand. I was glad I was able to keep my promise.

I don't miss the conversations about death, and as much as I would like to forget them, I know I will remember them at times. I hope that if I ever have to go through a similar experience, that the time I spent with my mom will help me know what to say and how to help the one who is dying. And when my time comes I hope I will keep in mind to use humor as much as possible to help my helper through it.

Keeping humor in conversations with someone who is dying

Young or old, who wants to sit around and think about death when there is an opportunity to laugh?

When my children were babies and dependent I tried to make them happy and laugh. It is the same now with my mother. I try to find funny things to talk about with her like comical stories I read in the newspaper, funny things our grandchildren have done or said, humorous comments my husband makes, or something I have seen on Facebook. 

When my mother talks about death I listen. When she talks about wanting to die, the only way I can respond is to say that I understand her feelings, but she is strong and not ready yet.

I know while she is alive, she might as well try to have a good time, as long as she is physically and mentally up for it.  I am thankful that my mother has a sense of humor and is alert and aware, and that she has lived well into her nineties.

She is happy to have a Cozy Sheep Warmer to keep her company and comfy on cold

Cozy Sheep Bed & Body Warmer

winter nights.

Conversations about Death

Some of the hardest conversations we have are about money and sex. But talking about death tops both of those. We talk about giving birth easily, but we don’t recall the struggle to be born. When we talk with someone who is approaching death, we tend to feel uncomfortable, making the person who is dying uncomfortable.

Although death doesn’t seem like much of a laughing matter, it is possible to bring humor into the conversation without feeling guilty about it. It’s not the conversations about living wills and typical end of life issues, although some of those are difficult, but questions regarding when and how.

As I help my mother struggle with health issues that will in the near future claim her life, I try to reassure her that we will do our best to keep her comfortable and out of pain. Once that is stated she seems to be able to crack jokes about dying. Her ability to talk freely about it helps my discomfort.

In a recent stay at the hospital, she awoke and said to the early morning nurse, “Where am I? I thought I was supposed to be dead by now.”  The nurse thought that was a hoot.

When someone young is dying, the conversations may be very different. A good friend who passed away at age 50 talked openly about his death and was able to joke with his friends about it. It was the best thing we could do for him. But, I later felt unnecessarily guilty about laughing about death.  Conversations with people who are inexperienced with a loved-one dying, might include assurances that it is okay to laugh at death.

There is a feeling of helplessness that also accompanies the expected death of a friend or family member.

Maine Warmers' Foot Warmer Pad

We want to help, but there isn't much we can do except be there. Our friend’s wife told me that the microwave back warmer that we gave him was the only thing that could warm his feet as the cancer progressed. That was before I started Maine Warmers and one of the reasons I thought it was important to make these products available.