Conversations about Death

Some of the hardest conversations we have are about money and sex. But talking about death tops both of those. We talk about giving birth easily, but we don’t recall the struggle to be born. When we talk with someone who is approaching death, we tend to feel uncomfortable, making the person who is dying uncomfortable.

Although death doesn’t seem like much of a laughing matter, it is possible to bring humor into the conversation without feeling guilty about it. It’s not the conversations about living wills and typical end of life issues, although some of those are difficult, but questions regarding when and how.

As I help my mother struggle with health issues that will in the near future claim her life, I try to reassure her that we will do our best to keep her comfortable and out of pain. Once that is stated she seems to be able to crack jokes about dying. Her ability to talk freely about it helps my discomfort.

In a recent stay at the hospital, she awoke and said to the early morning nurse, “Where am I? I thought I was supposed to be dead by now.”  The nurse thought that was a hoot.

When someone young is dying, the conversations may be very different. A good friend who passed away at age 50 talked openly about his death and was able to joke with his friends about it. It was the best thing we could do for him. But, I later felt unnecessarily guilty about laughing about death.  Conversations with people who are inexperienced with a loved-one dying, might include assurances that it is okay to laugh at death.

There is a feeling of helplessness that also accompanies the expected death of a friend or family member.

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